I think I’ve always known that I was afraid of rejection, but I didn’t quite understand to what extent until I tried my hand at Sales a few months ago.

When I’m excited about something it’s contagious. So, when I started selling something I believed in, people bought. That is, people who knew me bought. Other people were not so quick to purchase the service and I could not figure out why. I knew that it wasn’t me, and I still know that. It was their fear of spending money on an unknown. I get that. I really do.

What I don’t get is why the actions of others bothered me so much when I could have just walked away and spent energy on other selling opportunities; people I hadn’t yet talked to. Well, I guess I do get it, because that’s when I began to realize that I was afraid of rejection when everyone around me talked about my natural sales ability. Note: Sales is not a good profession for people who fear rejection.

When I began to process my feelings, I accepted the fact that Sales was not something I wanted to pursue as a career. I also accepted the fact that my insecurities had gotten the best of me, and that I didn’t value myself as I should. Granted, I know that God fiercely loves me, and I really do love myself, but I let three years of longing for the wrong person and dealing with braces mess with my sense of self. (I am totally rambling on this post, but I need to purge, so… )

Longing for someone who doesn’t want you is not a healthy way to live. You build up an idea of who she is and fail to see that she’ll never be good enough for you because she doesn’t want you AND she isn’t really the person you’ve conjured up in that crazy, obsessive noggin’ of yours.

Self-deprecation is also not a good way to spend your precious brain time. I say that I want someone who’s sweet and kind and has a good heart, but I wasted three years not believing that I have those same qualities; that someone will want me for those same qualities. In other words, I was so self-conscious about the weed-whackers that I couldn’t accept the possibility that someone was attracted to me, regardless of the metal in my mouth.

(God help this girl if she can’t find a silver lining from the last three years!!)

There is a silver lining. I spent the last three years analyzing and probing and digging into my psyche to find my truth. I wouldn’t have had the time or freedom to do that if I’d been in a relationship. I also developed a sense of self that doesn’t want to settle for second best ever again. When I decide to give myself to someone, I want her to be THE ONE – not a figment of my imagination or a convenient stop-over.

Am I still afraid of rejection? You betcha! I’m using the “I want everything to be organic” excuse for not asking someone out and I’m using the “I want my dental work to be complete before I’m ready to commit to a full-time job again” as my procrastination for not actively pursuing a new career. Sure, I don’t know what I want to do with the next 20-30 years of my work life, but I also can’t live in fear of the amazing possibilities ahead. Maybe I’ll just poke my head around the corner and take a peek. Yeah, I’ll start there.